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When the weight on your back finally breaks...

This year has been pretty incredible as far as the personal growth and conquering of shit. If you have read the previous posts, I have been doing things I never thought I would do, knocking out NSV's left and right and been on cloud 9 of activities with dreams and goals getting bitter and higher.

But then what happens when it all comes to a screeching halt, unexpectedly and without warning? How does that happen? To be honest, I have no idea but here we are, LOL

A couple weeks ago, I was at a comic con having a blast. I was standing in line for over 4 hours for an autograph which was an unexpected period of time but my body is invincible right? I mean, I've been active and kicking ass, sure I might be sore the next day, but this is nothing...

Well the next day I was sore but nothing I couldn't handle. I had a busy week ahead of me and I knew it would be physically exhausting but sometimes we gotta do what we need to to get the desired results.

Well that week consisted of a ton of physical labor mixed in with long miles of travel in my car. Physical labor, get in the car and be stationary for a couple hours, then more physical work, then back in the car for a couple hours. I noticed as each day was passing that my lower back was feeling weak and tired but I had made commitments and I don't back down from them.

But then Thursday came that week and halfway through working, I just couldn't do it anymore. My body was exhausted, the pain was increasing and the stress of it all was causing major anxiety. I had to take a step back and then went to the next destination.

The awesome thing about LA is the ridiculous traffic and how it can take you 90 mins to go 30 miles or in my case over 2 hours to go 80 miles.

By the time the weekend came, my body completely gave out and I was down for the count. My back was excruciating, I was having trouble walking and more importantly, I was struggling to get up and down to and from a seated position.

What seemed like literally overnight, I went from active and unstoppable to feeling like a 90 year old woman, feeble and weak. Going up stairs and grabbing the railings for dear life, needing help up from a chair. It was almost like time went in reverse and all of a sudden, I was 350 lbs again reliving my worst fears all over again.

How the smurf could this have happened?!? I figured okay, give it a day or two and Ill bounce back quickly right?

Well a few days turned into a week, and then another week.

Well today we are already into week 3 of this tremendous set back. I couldn't take it anymore. This wasn't a few day recovery thing. This turned into waking up in tears because I could barely get myself out of bed.

Those who know me, know my high tolerance for pain and my high tolerance towards expelling emotions. So to be reduce to sobs from the pain, I knew something was wrong and enough was enough. I didn't want to live like this. I don't know how it happened exactly but I did know this was not what I wanted and even if I couldn't understand the how, it was time to focus on the solution and go in the right direction.

I finally went to the chiropractor last week and had xrays done. I couldn't take it anymore.

No fractures or anything thank goodness, but a lot of spine degeneration, probably from years of abuse with the obesity and some scoliosis.

These words pierced through me like a katana twisted into my lower back. The inflammation was so bad he hasn't been able to give me any exercises or stretches yet. The only remedy was adjustments and ice right now to get the inflammation down before we could move to the next phase.

So I went from hanging upside down on a stripper pole in a class to now needing to go to the chiro 3x a week for the next few months.

The most frustrating thing in life is being able to do shit in your mind and your body preventing it from happening. In my head I can still run, sprint, dance and jump but my body's reality is I have to lie down with my legs propped up and icing, walking a few steps every hour and just resting.

When someone is a workaholic, this messes with your mental health in a major way. you feel like an utter burden, you feel weak, you will useless and you just feel defeated.

But in trying to keep with the advice I would give to someone else, I am listening to my body and I am doing what I am told now. I am taking it one day at a time, one step at a time, and 1 thought at a time.

I am devastated at not being able to work out and dance. Dancing has been my greatest passion and give for myself to learn and to not be able to do it right now is utterly depressing.

But at the same time I have to face the consequences from the actions of my past and move forward slowly and carefully so I can come out of this stronger than I ever was.

I kept joking that maybe I was doing to much and I was so excited to finally be able to do shit that I might have gotten carried away and my body said nope.

Well universe, you win for right now. I am resting, bored out of my mind and taking this very seriously. It is driving me utterly crazy but I will not fall back anymore. Each day I am striving to do a little more than the day before. An extra step, added positive thoughts and focusing my energy on what I can control.

I've said time and time before that the only thing we are guaranteed is change and this was a huge change I was not expecting but I truly believe that everything is for a reason and there's a reason I am dealing with this shit right now. Time will only tell what it is for.

So I haven't been as vocal on social media and in person lately because I have been dealing with this shit and the internal demons that come with it.

I can say this. Today is the first day that I have been able to move around much better. I don't want to jinx it, but I think we finally turned a corner and are moving in the right direction.

This is another hurdle I will smash. Another finish line I will cross and another notch of bad-assery I will add to my Masters.

I'd about to soar pretty soon, but for now, my legs are propped up on the bed with an ice back on my coccyx while I type all this out.

Thanks for listening to my rant for today and I am sending good juju's to the universe that the next post is going to be vastly different in a good way :)


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