I am not angry at the world, but sometimes a little disappointed
First and foremost, I want to say thank you to those of you who watched my segment on “The Doctors” yesterday. It means the world to me to have such an amazing support system from so many of you and I am humbled by the calls, messages and comments. It has been felt deeply by me and I appreciate every single one of you.
I wasn’t allowed to talk about the interview or the taping until after it aired and that was of course respected. With that being said, I am slightly disappointed in how everything played out and I wanted a day to process my thoughts rationally before I talked about it.
For those of you who watched the show, might have seen a change in demeanor from the filmed package versus the studio portion. In the interview portion, my body language was closed off, I had a lot of facial expressions and even at times a resting bitch face. Now, in fairness, I am told that I am a master of the resting bitch face, LOL, and it’s more evident when I am in situations I am uncomfortable with. I talked at length prior to the interview, telling them about me, my story and the struggles I had with weight loss. Throughout the whole conversation with two different people, they were so impressed by how I carried myself, my positive attitude and they said how excited they were to have me be a part of this, share my story to help others and talk about the book.
What I was not expecting was a Shaman reading attempting to dig into the roots of my soul and find answers. This is not a bad thing nor am I knocking down Shamanism, or any religion for that matter. Religion is like weight loss in that there is something out there for everyone. No one religion is right for everyone, just like no one weight loss program is right for everyone. It is your choice to find what works best for you and to live your best personal life.
That interview package had over an hour off footage taped, I discussed why I wrote the book, how I hoped to inspire people by having them learn my story and hopefully be able to relate to it and find courage to better themselves.
Some of the things I was told right off the bat from the interview that did not air:
I was a tomboy because I was trying to replace the absence of my father in my life and I was trying to claim a masculine role in my life to make up for that. It was then that I almost became a deer in headlights but had to keep my composure because cameras were on me and I was being very mindful to not be combative. (We know how television editing goes, LOL)
The truth of the matter was, I was a tomboy growing up because there were no girls my age in the neighborhood, just boys. We played with Ninja Turtles, GI Joe and Barbie coexisted, and Football in the cul-de-sac was life. I was not trying to replace anything, I was existing in my childhood with fond memories that I will never forget. No need to continue from there, as I wrote about being a tomboy in my book and how the transition to puberty took its toll.
With regards to the taping, I realized there was a different agenda going on and it wasn’t about me, my journey, and my book, but it was about someone else and their business and having me there to “help me” when I had already worked through most of my issues through the weight loss journey over the last 5 years.
When he talked about a spirit attaching itself to me, I was upset yes, but now I am in fight or flight survival mode. Do I just get up and walk out the door and have the recorded or do I sit and take it? While questions are being asked and responses are being repeated, I told myself that I will see this through til the end and I will do my best to make this as positive as possible. It’s not the first time I have found myself stuck at the 11th hour and nowhere to run, so I tapped into my old college days mindset when the research paper was due at midnight and the clock showed 11:00 pm. I let the gift of gab and personality BS come through. I played along and gave them what they wanted.
Am I angry at the world? No. If you talk to any single person who knows me will be shocked that you asked if I am an angry person. Not one of those people have ever seen me so much as raise my voice, or show madness. I’m human and I get irritated with things, but I am one of the most naturally calmed people you will ever come across. I will be 39 this year and I can still count on one hand the number of times I have actually raised my voice to someone. I can name 3 people specifically by memory and those 3 people no longer play a role in my life. I let go of the toxic people to me and I push forward.
He asked me what the first thing that came to mind was when he asked me what I was angry about. The first thing that popped in was “fake.” That wasn’t directed at the world, that was directed to my immediate feelings I was having because I had felt blindsided. But now I said it and I had to continue with it.
Once it was over, I gave him and 2 producers a copy of my book and thanked them very much for this opportunity and I was excited to get my story out. Deep down, I was truly terrified how this was going to be edited. Almost 2 hours of taping and there were 2 single parts I was uncomfortable with and hoped they did air. They aired them both, LOL
I had a week to process it before the studio taping. Which is why my attitude was much different. I had time to process, recharge and adapt. I was very grateful for the assignment given because it gave me great hope that there was a chance to take control over this, adapt and still make this a positive experience. The woman’s group assignment was such an eye opener and everyone who took part of it absolutely loved it and it gave them more insight, not just to themselves, but in how they view others. The one night alone made up for the whole interview experience, because had I not done it, this would not have come to fruition, so for that I am grateful!
During the taping of the show, they had me sign a release to show my book on television, during the taping, they made a reference to my book and even I talked about the book during the segment. It all got cut out. They did not show my website nor even put my last name on the title card so people could google me. That really did sting my heart a bit, because I was so excited for the exposure and being able to reach people on a large scale and help start a movement to self love and transformations.
Instead, I am being painted on the website as someone who has anger issues and was now cured. To say television doesn’t manipulate is naïve and ignorant, but all in all, it is what it is.
To those who have seen my blogs for years now, know that I remain positive in even the darkest of moments and days. I am not angry at the show for what they did. They had their reasons, whether is was to promote someone else’s book, program or what not, I was used for that purpose.
My book is still out there. It’s still available. I still have control over that and my attitude. I could sit and weep, scream or be resentful but that would solve nothing and it would just make me sour. I pride myself on being able to dust myself off and keep pushing forward. I once heard a speaker say that you cannot have a plentiful harvest if you are not out there plowing constantly.
So here I am plowing today and will continue to do every day. I have no ill will towards anything or anyone. I have no anger in my heart, nor have I for many many years. I will continue to shine and from every experience I encounter, I will continue to learn and grow from it.
I know this was a very long blog today but I felt it flow out of me which tells me, it needed to be released so I can continue forward.
Much love to all of you and your continue support!