I remember being in Junior High PE Class. I was about 11 or 12 years old and my PE teacher told, Mrs. Miller told me that I was overweight and I needed to be on a diet. I was about 5 feet tall and about 130 lbs. I remember I was mortified and embarrassed. I never thought I was fat. I was a tomboy playing baseball in an all boy league. I was one of the best. I played tackle football with my friends and was a fast sprinter. I wasn’t into dating or boys, because I was one of them. In my mind, I was still a kid. This was the first time I was ever given a dose of insecurity. That was the same year that I noticed I had the biggest boobs in the locker room. Now I was being conscious about everything. I didn’t wear makeup, I didn’t do my hair and now I was made to feel that I need to be part of some gender mold of a skinny girl in a preppier neighborhood. My weight didn’t change for the next couple of years, but I did grow another 7 inches in less than 2 years. By the time I was 13-14, I was 5’7″ and about 130-140lbs. I looked in the mirror and I saw a fat girl. The other girls in school were slim and skinny. I had curves. I had thick legs from sports, big boobs, and big hips, but now I was just fat. Had those words never ingrained in my head, I would’ve been proud of my curves and had a lot of confidence. By 14, the sports stopped, and the weight started to come on.
Fast forward almost 20 years, and I was in the most relaxing island, Maui. We had just arrived at our condo and everyone was taking a nap. I was enjoying the beautiful sun finally start to set when about 10 minutes later, I heard a ripping sound and I fell through the seat. I broke a chair! I was so mortified, that I cried. I was no longer that 130lb “fat girl”, and was now that 330lb fat girl. It didn’t matter how beautiful the outside world was because I didn’t feel beautiful enough to enjoy it.
9 months after that experience, I woke up in a hospital bed, having had the gastric sleeve. I couldn’t believe that I did it. I was scared that maybe I made the wrong decision and maybe I should have tried again on my own one last time. But after 20 years of trying, it was always going to be “one last try.” I wasn’t so much scared of the surgery as I was scared as to what happens when you finally take that leap of faith in yourself and become selfish. What would people say about me? Will their opinions change? At that moment, I no longer cared about the opinions of others. If I did, then I would let them all become the Mrs. Miller’s in my head and will forever be shadowed by my own potential.
Now it’s been 6 months and I feel like a new person, well shit, I lost a whole person with 114lbs gone! I don’t feel like I changed, but for the first time in 20 years, I feel like I did when I was 13. Free from pain, free from insecurities, and free from regret. I’m still about 100 pounds more than that 13 year old girl, but I no longer think about the number on the scale. I only use it as a guide to measure my weightloss. I use my NSV’s to gauge my progress now. NSV’s are those non-surgical victories that, in my mind, really drive home the realities of your journey. Lately, its being able to cross my legs. I haven’t crossed my legs in YEARS! It was more of a “bend down and grab the back of your jeans at the ankle and yank upwards so that your leg swings into your lap like the number 4, whilst holding your pants from them falling off your leg again.” That was my reality for years. There are so many things we take for granted and don’t think about.
Another thing was tying shoes. When you are overweight, you can’t tie your shoes in the middle because of your inability to properly cross your legs or bend down, so they are always tied to the side of your shoe. This was something I never realized I did, until I saw someone else reference it and I looked down at my own shoes. I thought “Holy shit, I never even realized that I did this!” because it was so natural. This week was the first time that I tied them in the middle. With my excitement, you would have thought I won the damn lottery, but to me, this was better!
I still can’t believe that it has been six months since the surgery. Some days it feels like yesterday and some days, it feels like nothing ever happened because I feel I’m 13 again!
For those of you who do not follow me on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook, here were my 6 month Surgiversary Stats:
Total Weight Loss to date: 114.5 lbs
Pant Sizes Lost: 6 (From size 26 to size 14)
Total Inches Lost: 74
*Chest 12.25 in, Stomach 13.75 in, Hips 13.5 in, Biceps 12.5 for both, Thighs 11 for both, Calves 7 for both, Ankles 4 for both.)
Some dishes of the last week….
Mushroom Chicken and Brown Rice. I grew up with this dish at home, but did brown rice this time.
Homemade beef burgers on a bed of sauteed mushrooms and onions and a lettuce wrap. Paleo, Gluten Free, Sugar Free and tasty!
Orange and Bluberries Fusion Water. This one is one of my favorites to date!
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And please remember, if you struggled with your self worth and value, like I did, the term fat is not a unit of measure, heath or well being. It is a derogatory term used by other people with the only motivation of hurting your feelings or making you feel weak.
Don’t strive to be skinny, strive to be healthy.
Don’t hope to be beautiful, because you already are. Beauty is not in the eye of the beholder, it is within you. If you believe in your beauty, you will let others see it as well. Don’t let the words of others dictate your opinion of yourself.
And finally, when you are ready for change, be prepared to be a little selfish, because you need to be in order to change and heal yourself.
Until Next time…
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